Back to the Future

I had a really hard time sleeping last night and have the headache to prove it, or maybe the headache is the reason I couldn't sleep. When I get like that my first instinct is to pray, in case it is a nudge from God to pray for someone. This stems from years for not knowing where my husband is in the deep blue and what type of danger he may be in. Because as we all knew if he told me he would have to kill me:-) But after I exhausted my prayer list and tossed and turned for hours, I began to think of how you would describe what its like to have a deployed spouse to someone who has no association with the military. The best that I could come up with is that its like time travel. You see all of us here at home keep living, changing, and moving towards the future. But when your spouse returns from deployment it is like he is coming back to the future. Things have happened that cannot be recreated or re-lived. My husband spent a good deal of out oldest daughters high school attached to the USS Columbus, the Bus, or as it was often referred to in Pearl The Clown Bus. We began that tour as a Geo-bachelor tour, with him leaving for Senior Enlisted Academy in May and continuing on the Washington. Brittany was just finishing her freshman year and getting ready to be a sophomore. She still had a curfew of 10, none of her friends could drive, and she was still young. By the time he knew it she was a senior, on the Varsity cheerleading squad, the curfew was midnight, and her friends were driving. He would ask why she was going out so late or how were they getting there because in his mind she was still a freshman. For him time had stood still, but for the rest of us time had moved on. I am sorry to say that the same is going to happen with Zachary who is heading into his sophomore year. When the boat returns its like the crew is coming back to the future. Those of us who have been here have experienced things that we could not share with them when they occurred and sometimes it’s not the same to describe them or try to include them in what happened. This can be tough on marriages and relationships because you have both had experiences in their absence that will help shape who you are, but they are often unable to share their experiences, and you are often unable to do your experiences justice when you explain them. So you learn to live with things you will never know about your spouse, not because of deception, but because of reality. As you are left behind you mark time by creating distractions, projects, goals, and activities with your friends. You chose not to do things until they return because it may be something you are willing to wait for to ensure they experience it with you. Sadly, there are things like birth, death, weddings, graduations, and other life events that cannot be put on hold until they return. So, you attend and a little bit of your heart breaks for a moment, but you breathe deeply and you smile knowing they wanted to be there. Our family has been extremely blessed to have Rick at all of our children's births and all of their high school graduations (although the last two he made by the hair of his chinny chin chin) However, next week I will drive my youngest daughter to the airport and send her off to college. He will not be here when she leaves and when he returns his household will be smaller by one child. A major life change will occur and he will not be here, and although the rest of will be used to her being gone when by the time he gets back, he will have to start the process from scratch. When he returns...he will be coming back to the future.

Its Not About the Title

I have some catching up to do around here. After all a mission, Sub Ball, and promotion have come and gone since I last wrote. My husband has had a very blessed naval career born out of his commitment to the Navy and to holding himself to even higher standards than he holds those around him to. He was blessed to make both Chief and Senior Chief the first time he was eligible. Master Chief however, took a little longer and required a trip to Guam. Each year since the first time he was eligible we would wait for results to come out, deal with it and move on. This year however, he was selected and promoted to Master Chief. Now, don't get me wrong, his chest puffs out a little bit each time someone addresses him as Master Chief, but the real prize is that he set a goal in the beginning of his naval career that he has achieved. He worked and sacrificed to reach that goal...that is what its about. One Anchor = Honor One Anchor and a Star=Courage One Anchor and Two Stars= Commitment

It Takes Strength and Maturity Part One

On this Sunday morning as I returned from dropping my husband off on the boat I was pondering my crazy lifestyle. You see the boat is supposed to be gone, however, true to Sub Life she returned to port Friday for a repair, and is considering departing today. I love when I get these surprise visits from my husband and I treasure everyone of them. However, as any Sub Wife will tell you as great as these visits are...they play with your emotions. You see when you have a husband who is out to sea and communication is done by an unreliable email system, where not much should be said, as they are screened for security reasons you get into a certain frame of mind. This frame of mind has an end goal...the return date. You begin to build your plans around this date, this is the goal that you strive to reach, the countdown that tells you, you can do it...your focused. You have a plan that includes the distraction of potlucks and activities with your friends (who pun intended are often in the same boat as you are), you have exercise and weight goals, you have household projects, craft projects, and work projects. You are focused and because you are a Sub Wife you are ready to deal with this. You are almost militant about keeping everything in check...so that your emotions will remain in check. Then BOOM...here comes the boat into the harbor and you are so excited to see him and grateful to spend time with him...that you lose focus and the goal is temporarily not important. You let your emotions and senses drink in all of him, things get off track with your goals. Then comes the morning you have to drive him to that pier and watch him go again. For me personally, it takes a great deal more strength to say good bye to him a second time half way through the deployment than it does to say good bye the first time. Maybe because the first time I get myself together, I have had time to prepare for it and I am ready to face it head on. But the second time he has returned and I have now given into those emotions and allowed myself to taste a little bit of him being home. Once they leave it takes me a couple of days to get on track and back in the grove. I promise you its not as easy as it sounds especially if you have children, the poor things don't know if Dad's coming or going. It takes a great deal of strength to get your emotions back where they belong and not give into the pull of allowing yourself just one day of moping...because one will turn in to two, which will then become a week. So to my fellow Sub Wives...we've got this, we can do it, all we have to do is get our target in sight, lock in, and launch ourselves towards the end goal...HOMECOMING!!!

Merry Christmas!

A Lifestyle of Kindness

In the past week I have pondered on the Sandy Hook tragedy, as I am sure many of you have. How could something so horrific happen? How can we as a nation not feel moved to do something? I spent the entire day with tears running down my face. I do not know these people, I have never met them. However, in my heart and in the hearts of people around the world, we are them. There were three thoughts that stood out above the many running through my head and on those I chose to ponder. The first came from a seven hour conversation on Facebook with my siblings. As we went to hair appointments, made dinner, went shopping we discussed how do they tell their children who are around the ages of those killed. We discussed because they live in Connecticut and New Hampshire they would hear about it and how it would be best explained by loving parents. Then it came to the question, "Why is it affecting us all so very deeply?" My sister who had once deemed the Ice Queen spent the day crying and hugging her 8 month old daughter. It comes down to this: When you send you child to school you expect them to come home. Sure they may fall and scrape their knee, get in trouble, or get sick, but you have no reason to expect them to not come home alive. As a parent, when you purchase a Christmas present for your kindergartener you expect them to be alive to open it. It almost seems like these are rights, that our children should be alive, that no one has the right to take their lives for selfish means. Finally, it affected us so very deeply because we are all parents and we are so very thankful at the same time our hearts are breaking as we imagine the horror that those parents are living through. Next came the thought that my husband has sacrificed in service to his country for 24 years, only to have evil come from one of us. An American thought it was ok to kill 26 of our own. I began to wonder if all those years of sacrifice should have been focused on the enemy within. I quickly snapped out of that thought when I realized if not for the service of the military members, instead of 26 lives lost on American soil the numbers could be much higher without the military to protect all that we hold near and dear. So, the next time you feel a little out of joint because he has duty, has to work, or is deployed shake yourself with the thought that his service is protecting all of the kindergarteners of America. What an incredible responsibility the men and women of our military hold. As I continue to process this horrific tragedy one simple thought sticks out...how do we as Americans make sure that these young lives are memorialized forever in our hearts. Not only at a statue or memorial site, but in our daily lives. I for one am way more conscious of how I send my children off to school. Every mother can attest to the fact that when you have one who its still getting dressed and another one who can't find their book bag two minutes before the bus comes, that you are not always spouting off sentiments of love and peace. I have heard many people claim that they will complete 26 acts of kindness to honor the lives of these victims. While this is admirable, why not make it a life style of acts of kindness. Be kind to those in need, those hurting, those who do not have the strength or courage to ask for help. We will never erase the fear and heart break that we feel in our hearts over this tragedy, but we can change the way we live and live a lifestyle of kindness. I pray for all the families that lost someone, for all the first responders who had to give the news that no parent ever wants to hear, I pray for those who work to piece this tragedy together to have it make sense, I pray for this community. I also pray fro the rest of us, that we allow this tragedy to change our lives in a way that will honor those who we lost.

Be Thankful and Don't Sweat the Small Stuff!

Today is Thanksgiving in Guam and I made sure to get up early enough that I would have time for a quiet cup of coffee and time to blog. I'm not really sure what will flow from my caffein jump started mind through my fingers today, but I knew without a doubt I am being nudged to write today. This is not my first holiday away from family, as my husband has been active duty for over 23 years and we spent 22 of those years stationed in Hawaii. It is however, my second Thanksgiving without my mom to call and ask about baking a turkey, which to be honest maybe a little more difficult that the first because a year ago I was still in shock from her passing. I think the hardest thing for me this year will be it is the first time one of my children is not with me for the holiday's...yup that's going to be the hardest thing. These two items complied with the fact that there was a tragedy yesterday in the community we lived in while in Hawaii, involving children my own children went to school with, one of which I taught his sister and brother has given me so perspective on this Thanksgiving Day. This past year loosing my mom and moving to Guam has taught me some very valuable lessons. The first being not to sweat the small stuff. But in order to not sweat the small stuff you have to remember that its small stuff. I am going to dive deep (pun most certainly intended) and talk about being a submariners wife today:-) While it is something I enjoy being and has become part of who I am, there have been (and still are) days I wonder first if I will maintain my sanity, and second why life can't be fair:-) As I ponder what to write the thought that I should buy every wife on board a dry erase calendar so that she can rearrange and erase what she writes in those little squares a hundred times and still give off the appearance of order:-) The schedule on any submarine is at best fluid (pun not intended) Its hard to nail down and shifts constantly. However, as this is our second tour on the mighty Chicago I can say hers is down right flowing like the ocean she serves in. I could lie and say it does not frustrate me, but I won't:-) I have however learned to live at peace with it, and not sweat the small stuff. After all, this means I get surprise homecomings and a peace in knowing my husband has a job he finds rewarding which pays the bills:-) Then there is the whole Guam thing! After 22 years in Hawaii, Guam was not on my radar, Connecticut or Washington sure...Guam...not so much. I could be angry, frustrated, and in a state of discontent (which I have to admit occasionally happens when I can't find something I am looking for here and have to search the internet to find someone who will ship it to Guam) But when I look at the big picture it's really one of the small things in life, that is reaping benefits for my family. My younger two are being given opportunities they would not have had somewhere else. They have both traveled to Japan to participate in DOD school sports competitions, trips where we were only responsible for minimal lodging expenses and spending money. The DOD school system is amazing and provides excellent education and opportunities. They have met friends and people that have become important the them. Me the stress level at my job is so low compared to what it was in Hawaii (and they are paying me the same!!!) that I feel like I am on vacation. Because we are not living in our house in Hawaii, but renting it someone else is paying my mortgage and I am not paying a $600 electric bill. Additionally, because we save so much money living in quarters when we leave Guam we will have paid off both brand new cars and my student loans. My husband has a job, that pays very well and benefits that are out of this world, where many in America are looking for jobs. Above all of this my family is alive, healthy, and has a great relationship. This goes for my immediate family here in Guam and Hawaii, but my Dad, brother, sisters, and their families, as well. My husband says my family gets along so well we are abnormal. This is a gift in todays world. So my submarine sisters, if your husband has to go into the boat today, has duty today, or is deployed, while it sucks...and it does...in the big picture....its one of the things we would call small stuff. Don't think I don't understand because I do...at this moment there is a conversation my husband is having on his cell phone that is making me question whether he will be present at our family dinner today...so I get it. But in the big picture of life this moment today of being separated, or being stationed in Guam really is one of the small things that you or I should not sweat. Because when you look at the big picture you are healthy, your family is healthy, we have a blessed life in the submarine community, and this moment too shall one day be a memory. So I have convinced myself, and ask you to do the same that no matter what seems to be a huge disappointment today, like my daughter not being here, really is one of the small things that I should not sweat, but instead I should enjoy the gift of being able to be with my husband and other three children and our boat family today. In perspective we don't know what tomorrow holds, so don't live life today in a manner which will cause you the regret it tomorrow. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff....after all Kelly Clarkson says whatever doesn't kill us will make us stronger:-) Happy Thanksgiving my sisters!!

Encouragement

I borrowed the following story from the MCPON Michael Stevens Facebook page

Please enjoy this wonderful personal story from Chief Arnold. Thank you for sharing Chief. -- MC2 ROSPRIM I don’t typically post about Naval matters, and I may never again, but today I had to share as it has consumed my thoughts all day. About 8 hours ago I rushed into the commissary on-board Newport to get a few items and realized I had forgotten my wallet at check out. I hurried out the door to retrieve it and as I exited I observed the crisp new Ensign and his family getting out of their crowded old car as they had clearly just left OCS graduation. I contemplated the obstacle and considered taking the long way around to my Jeep and then thought, ”oh, hell just go past and give him his salute, he’ll probably love it as he has probably had all of 3 since commissioned”. I approached and rendered one of my finest salutes to set a good example for this new young Naval Officer. He was kind of at an awkward angle and I said proudly, “good afternoon sir”. He fumbled clumsily around, returned my salute and stated, “good afternoon Sir!” I laughed a little on the inside and thought, “Sir? It’s ok, he’ll figure it out”. As I moved toward my Jeep I could feel him advancing me from behind, I hadn’t covered much distance and his family was still close enough to us to hear our conversation. He walked up to me with a sense of pride in his smile that I didn’t think existed much anymore and stuck his hand out. I shook his hand and he handed me a One Dollar coin, at this point I realized what was happening. I thought, “this is great, but I wish it had been a junior Sailor so they could have experienced this moment”. He said, “Chief, I graduated OCS today and you gave me my first salute”. For a moment time seemed to stand still and I really began to absorb some of the finer details. I looked at the car they were crammed into and it wasn’t worth much. I looked at the clothes his family wore and they were far from designer quality. I smelled not a hint of arrogance or self-entitlement. No, what his family was was a strong foundation and humble. I imagined that they probably never had much and that his mother probably struggled to raise these kids and put this young man through college. I thought they probably didn’t have much money, but they were not going to miss this special day for anything. As things came back into focus he said, “I’m very proud” and I said to him, “I’m very proud of you”. I was no longer in a rush and as a symbol of respect I put my hands behind my back in that way that we do to show him that he is the superior and that even though I’m the Chief he’s the Naval Officer and this is the way it is. This young man exuded humility, respect, and a rooted sense of humble that spoke volumes of who he was and the type of officer he is probably going to be. I was in my most professional posture and a heightened sense of articulation flowed naturally. I told his mother she should be very proud of him and she nodded her head as if almost speechless to what she felt inside. Her and I exchanged a look and her eyes said thank you almost as if she understood I could have owned the situation as the old salt but I let him have this moment as his own. He thanked me and I looked him right in the eyes and said, “no, thank you Ensign. You may not realize it now or even understand it, but this moment is one of the best in my 19 year Navy career”. He looked at me a little confused and I said, “the look in your eyes right now tells me everything I need to know about you and the sense of pride you demeanor projects gives me hope that our Navy is in good hands with officers like you and this coin will be in my shadow box when I retire”. If I had a camera for the look on his face. Oddly, I think he understood. And I don’t think he’ll ever forget… Why is Jamis Chief Arnold sharing this? Because it is in these critical infancy moments of a young Sailors career every moment counts. If my demeanor or professionalism had said to him ahhhh what ever or a shrug off waste of time, my actions could have changed the dynamics of his whole career. Officers relationships with enlisted Sailors is dictated by our actions in every moment. Sure, I could have said said, “Ensign, I’m a Chief and work for a living so don’t call me Sir” in any tone I wanted I wanted to use, but what lesson does he really learn from that? None. I would have stolen his moment, cheated him out of his first salute and showed his family the professionalism the Navy “really” has. Worst case scenario, he carried his grudge into his senior officer years for that one moment and it creates a difficult working environment when you are trying to lead your junior Sailors. The ball is always in your court, set the right example.

We should all strive to treat those we have been charged to mentor with such respect and encouragement. As Navy spouses, particularly Submarine spouses, we have a very small tight knit community, as I have often said that what is the real world six degrees of separation is more like one and half degrees of separation in the sub world. As we begin our journey as a Navy spouse, we often look to those who have been in the community longer than we have for clues on this lifestyle and how to manage it, as we get some more time under our belt we become those who the new spouses are looking at for guidance. I think we should all strive to celebrate each other regardless of rank in those achievements that we all held in high regard at that stage of life. We should celebrate with the spouse who is excited because her husband got his Dolphins, even though it was many moons ago that our spouses got their dolphins. As those spouses who we mentor sailors get promoted and add that crow and more stripes, we should celebrate them and go out of our way to encourage them. You should never forget where you came from and the work it took to get you where you are today. You should never slight or minimize their accomplishments, as they were once yours. Instead seek to congratulate, support,and encourage those you are called to mentor. It could make a greater impact than you think. HONORCOURAGECOMMITMENT