I feel like I need to start this entry with a disclaimer to reassure parents of young children, that when my children were younger, I did not have the all the answers by any means. As a matter of fact, I stumbled through parenting learning as I was going. It wasn’t until my children were into their teen years and I completed my Master’s degree that I had even begun to understand what I know now. Since then, I have learned so much more about brain development, trauma and social/emotional development, enough that I can speak to the mommas of littles with compassion, the knowledge of not only an educator and practitioner, but as someone who has been where you are now.
To add a second disclaimer, the majority of the emotions, outbursts and tantrums your children are displaying are normal in the best circumstances and in situations like COVID, they should be expected.
Over the last couple of days, I have spoken to two phenomenal moms, who feel completely overwhelmed and have feelings of failure in regard to their parenting. In regard to their feelings of failure, they could not be further from the truth and I am going to tell you why.
When young children become overwhelmed and are dealing with emotions that they do not understand they naturally run to their safe place and dump all of the emotions and feelings on the person or persons they feel safest with, most often their parents. In layman terms your children who are losing their little minds all day, every day, while you are quarantined within the four walls of your home are doing it because you have created a place where they feel safe. They feel secure in your presence and that security sends a message to their minds that it is okay to go completely off the rails and unload those emotions.
I know most of you are thinking that when your child does indeed go off the rails, it is because you are not doing something right, or that you are not giving them what they need. However, it is the complete opposite…you represent security and safety in their lives, and they feel safe enough to feel in your presence.
As a parent on the battlefield during these meltdowns, you do not necessarily feel honored that your child is choosing to unload on you, the parent who is the consistent loving presence in their lives, the one who care for them and puts their well-being above all else. However, you should know this, your child trusts you with their feelings because of how secure you make them feel.
When the meltdowns occur, wrap your arms around them and let them cry it out, when the frustration hits provide them with activities, like throwing cloth balls into a basket to let it out, let them work it out. Then ask them to help you “unpack” what just happened. Unpacking looks like this:
Ask the child, “Can we “unpack” what just happened, that means talk about what made you so mad or upset?” The first time you are introducing unpacking emotions you may have to explain it and/or show them how to “unpack: their feelings by sharing something they can relate to. During COVID you could demonstrate how to “unpack” your own feelings around not being able to go to work and see your friends and talk about how that makes you feel. Once you have used the “unpacking” method a few times you may not have to provide an example. Let them talk to you and “unpack” what has made them feel the way they are feeling, talk about how it is okay to feel that way and talk about ways they can cope with those feelings in a healthy and productive way of they happen again.
An added benefit of practicing ‘unpacking’ when they are younger and allowing them the opportunity to feel their feels in the safe and secure place you have created, is that it will come naturally to them as they grow older and their emotions and frustrations become larger and more difficult to navigate, to return to that safe place you have created and “unpack” their emotions with you.
So, as overwhelming as all of the emotions and feelings coming from your child are, keep in mind that they are sharing them with you because of something you have done right, by creating a safe and secure place where they can let those feelings out, not by something you have done wrong.
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