I Run A Tight Shipwreck!

I was just watching a video a teacher friend of ours posted on Facebook.  He actually teaches at the high school that he and my husband graduated from.  The video included teachers and faculty members holding up signs that created a message to the students as each frame progressed.  The message being sent was one of encouragement and hope, acknowledging the challenges that these students have encountered and their ability to continue adapt to distance learning. 

It struck something deep within me.  As trying as these times are for parents, some of which are trying to work from home and home school their children, others who have to work the front lines and wish they could be home with their children and those who have been laid off or furloughed and are trying to home school their children, while working about the financial stability of their families, think about it from a child’s point of view.

Just as one day you were leaving your house and going to work, seeing your friends and enjoying the social aspects of work and the next day all of that ended, the same thing has occurred for your children.  However, you are a grown-up who for the most part understands working from home and how to do your job, because many of us work on our computer and can still attend remote meetings.  We are adults, we know what is expected of us.

Our children on the other hand have been thrust into this learning environment, where teachers by no fault of their own, have been building the ship of online learning, as it has already started sailing. The challenges of meeting the expectations that are continually changing, much like the course of this pandemic, while trying to make sense of having everything that they know in their lives changing, is overwhelming for adults, imagine the how our children feel.

BUT, they are doing it!  They are figuring out how to make this work.  It may not look how we want it to, but they are making it work.  I was on the phone with a co-worker and she had asked her daughters to go do some reading.  One did, and the other chose to draw a picture instead.  In the picture the family was sad, the dog was sad, and the fish was sad.  She may not have completed the reading assignment, but she did what she needed to do to make it through the day.  Much like I eat that bowl of ice cream at the end of each day, or Facetime my sisters, I do what I need to do to get through the day, and that is okay.

April is the Month of the Military Child and April, 11-17, 2020 is the Week of the Young Child.  During this time CELEBRATE our children and their amazing ability to adapt and continue to be sailors on this pirate ship that is being built as we are sailing!  Loosen your grip a little bit on the grasp you have on what you think this whole working from home and homeschooling your children in supposed to look like.  Think about the amazing ways our children have adapted to this new normal and focus less on the craziness of their behavior as they work to adapt.  

Just tell people…I run a tight shipwreck!

Celebrating Hope

Many families are mourning the loss of the ability to celebrate their spring religious observations or participate in the community events that are traditionally held in the spring.  As much as we as a culture have come to treasure these observations and celebrations in the traditional manner, we have been provided an opportunity to create new memories and traditions within our immediate family.  Traditions and observations that your children will carry in their hearts forever, because they included you!

When I sit around with my brothers and sisters and reminisce about the things our family did while we were growing up, we focus more on the people who were present than where and when these events occurred.  We talk about the traditions and observations we did around our Easter dinner table; we talk about the things my parents would say, the stories they would tell, the legacy they passed on to us.  That is what we remember now that we are adults and look back fondly on our childhood, these are the things that matter to us.

As a military family who has lived around the world, we often found ourselves in situations that were out of the norm for our family, where life wasn’t like it was back home.  We sought to make adjustments to our norm in order to create memories for our children.  When my youngest son was in high school, we lived in Guam.  Guam is where America starts its day, so it is hours ahead of the rest of the country, fourteen hours ahead of the east coast to be exact.  The only thing in our lives that was affected by the time difference while we lived there was NFL Football.  There is no Sunday football in Guam, if you wanted to watch football live you had to be up in the middle of the night between Sunday and Monday and hope that one of the networks was carrying the game.  This also meant that the Super Bowl was on very early on Monday.  The high school football team did not go to school that day and most commands had the day off, because they were home watching the game. It also meant that you did not have the average football food during the Super Bowl, you had breakfast.  This became a family tradition while we were in Guam, all of my husband and son’s friends would come to our house for a breakfast extravaganza. Now that we live in Connecticut and my son is stationed in Washington, he still associates the Super Bowl with breakfast food and any time he is home for the Super Bowl this mama is making breakfast for him.  When he and his friends look back at that time, they talk about the people that were there and how much fun it was, they never talk about how it was different than what they were used to.  They remember the memories that were created and that is what they hold dear.

So, even though your observations and celebrations will look different this year and may not be what you are used to, what your children will remember are the memories that they created with you.  Look for ways to observe and celebrate together as a family, ways that will honor your beliefs and traditions during these difficult times.  Your children will remember how you went out of your way to keep things as normal as possible for them.  Today, they may be upset about not being able to go to the annual egg hunt, but when they are adults and become parents themselves, they will remember how you went above and beyond to make sure that your family celebrated the things that were important to them.

Finally, CELEBRATE!  I know this is a difficult time, but if you normally celebrate and observe traditions in this season, make an effort to celebrate hope, however, that looks for your family.

COVID and LIFE EVENTS

So here we are two weeks into COVID19 and the stay at home policy that has been declared in many states. I don’t know about you, but if I could, I would go back and tell my Pre-COVID self that teleworking is actually more work that actually going to the office is.  I would also make sure my Pre-COVID self knew that no, if I had unlimited time, I would not clean out all my closets and get to all of those projects I have put off.  Finally, I would tell myself that the world shutting down would impact us all in ways that we could not imagine.

Never mind the grocery stores and lack of toilet paper, dismiss the inconvenience of not being able to leave your house.  Let’s talk about the impact of COVID-19 on life events.  Prior to this time of social distancing and working from home, I had a co-worker who had been planning her daughter’s wedding for over a year.  Every time to completed one of the milestones and planning she would share it with us, a light of excitement in her eyes.  However, as the time for the wedding drew nearer, the family made the decision to post-pone the wedding, until the health scare was over.  This Bride and her family made the best decision at the time; however, it was not an easy decision to make.  The Bride and Groom will have their ceremony and time of celebration with their family, but there is some disappointment in the delay.

Next, I heard about the many proms and graduations that were cancelled due to COVD-19.  I don’t know about anyone else, but the day that all of my children graduated from high school was a momentous occasion in out household.  We do High School graduations up big in our house.  Look back to your senior year, remember how you couldn’t wait to walk across that stage and grasp your diploma.  Remember all of the events and celebrations leading up to graduation?  The graduating class of 2020 will not have that.

Think of the new mothers in labor, some of which are not allowed to have anyone in the labor room with them.  No one is there to hold their hand, get them ice chips and encourage them to keep going.  No one is there to delight in the experience of the birth of their child with them.

Finally, think about the families who have had loved one’s pass, unrelated to COVID. I have a dear friend who is stationed in Guam.  She received news last week that her sister in law was in hospice, she made sure that the Red Cross message was sent to her husband’s command, the Emery S Land.  The boat pulled into Guam this past week and the orders given were that no personnel leave the ship.  The Chief was not allowed to leave to say goodbye to his sister, now he is not allowed to leave the ship to celebrate her life, not allowed to be with his family and support system at this time.  

My Father in Law passed away Monday morning and the planning for his service has been fairly easy because only five people can be in the funeral home at one time and only four people can attend the service at the cemetery.  We are unable invite his friends and family, only the immediate family will be allowed to attend. There will be no gathering after the ceremony to celebrate his life, the state of Rhode Island will not allow gatherings of more than five people.

When we all began this time of social distancing and quarantine, I don’t think any of us thought about life happening.  Sure, we thought about having to stay at home and not be in public places, but I don’t think many of us thought about the impact that this crisis would have on life events.

So, maybe, during this time we can practice kindness.  The person who is in front of you in the pick-up line at the takeout place or the drive thru teller at the bank may not be experiencing this crisis like you are. They may have a life event that they are struggling with because of COVID19.  BE KIND. 

Rules of Engagement

Many of us are entering week two of social distancing, working from home and homeschooling our children and may need a different kind of post than the last two.  You may need a post that gets you through being in your home with ALL of your immediate family members with your sanity intact, so that you can have those conversations with your children that I have been talking about.

Being quarantined with your family, unable to carry out your normal activities and make the human connections that keep us mentally healthy can be challenging. It is normal for moods and frustrations arise.  Below are some tips that can help you alleviate some of those challenges.

1. Set up definite work areas for each family member, a defined space where they will keep their supplies and can serve as their work space.  When we start to spread our work all over the house, it can get messy both physically and mentally.  You need to separate your work and home space. 

2. Set up definite work schedules and walk away at the end of your work day.  It is my experience that when I work from home my work day extends from the time I open my eyes in the morning, until I close my eyes at night.  It is unrealistic for anyone to work from home from all of your waking hours and still co-habituate with your family, who is also working from home.  

3. When you do need to have conversations about your frustrations while you are all stuck in the house together, remember to start the conversations with, “I” rather than “you.” The statement, “I need you to pick your toys up” disarms the frustration and possible attitude that saying, “You need to pick your toys” would bring. 

4. Go outside and get some fresh air, the movement and fresh air will rejuvenate you and help keep you healthy. 

5. Take a lunch break.  Make sure you take a break and eat a normal meal.  If you were at work you would take a break and eat, so do it at home. 

6. Get up every morning, shower and get ready for work.  You don’t have to wear your work clothes, but prepare for the day.  You will feel much better. 

Finally, BE KIND to yourself.  

Reality Versus Schema

Yesterday I talked about how children take the information that they understand about a situation and create a schema or a reality that makes sense to them.  They do this for everything, not just the hard stuff or the overwhelming stuff.  Let me give you an example of how it works from my life.  I am going to share a story about my youngest son and how he took several truths in his life and put them together to create something he could understand.

Here are the facts that he used:

1. 1. Zachary was born on December 7^th.  This day does not have significance for as many people as it used to, but as the son of an active duty Submarine Master Chief and having been born in Hawaii it has meaning to Zachary.  December 7, 1941 was the day Pearl Harbor was bombed and the day that the United States entered WW2.
2. 2. One of my closest friends was a foster parent for years and she adopted every child she fostered.  Zachary spent a great deal of time with this loving family and only understood the loving family side of foster care, not what caused the child to be in foster in the first place.

When Zachary was six or seven we went to go see Chronicles of Narnia in the theater.  As the movie began with families putting their children on the trains, Zachary leaned over and asked me what was happening. I explained that during WW2 many families in Europe who lived in the city sent their children to live with other family members who lived in the country to keep them safe.  The enemy was bombing the city, but not the country, so children would be safer there. He then said, “So it was like the foster care Aunty Kelle does?”  I replied, “A little bit, yes.”

Fast forward a few months and as we drove past Pearl Harbor, Zachary asked me,”Mom, when am I going back to my real family?”  I was a little confused because I was the one who delivered all ten pounds of him, three weeks past his due date so I asked him what he meant.  This was his reply, “Mom. I was born on Pearl Harbor Day, at the beginning of the war and my family sent me to you to keep me safe, just like foster care.”  

This example of how a young child took the information he had, all truthful, and created his own understanding is one that I use in every class I teach to explain how children create schemas.  Children take the information that they know and as they understand it and they create something they can relate to. 

So, now imagine the schemas children have created about what is happening in the world right now.  You may not have had a conversation with them about it, but their minds have been gathering information about it from the news, the change in their daily routine, the fact that they don’t go to school anymore and are learning from home, the vibes they are getting from the adults in their lives and the feelings from social isolation.  If you assume that that they don’t know what it going on, you are correct.  However, they are going to take what they know and create something they can relate to and it will become their truth about the situation. 

How do we impact that schema?  First look at the messages that they are hearing via TV and radio and consider not watching when they are around.  Second, make sure that you have dealt with your own emotions around what is happening so they will feel your calmness.  Thirdly, take some time to sit down and ask them how they are feeling and talk through those emotions.  If they share fear and anxiety about becoming sick or someone they love becoming sick, tell them that everyone is doing their part to make sure that doesn’t happen by staying home and washing their hands.  If someone does get sick, doctors and nurses are working hard to take care of everyone so that they can get better.  Talk to them and see what information they have used to create their schema’s and where there is misinformation provide them with truth and talk it through.  

During this time where we are confined within small spaces with each other, with no end date for the social distancing, be kind to yourselves.  As crazy as this sounds, we are fortunate to have this happen at a time in history when there is an awareness of the importance of social/emotional development in young children and the knowledge of how situations like these impact the mental health and wellbeing of individuals and families.  We can talk about these things and work them out together, unlike any other time in history.  

Know What Is Important During COVID19

As I sit by and watch all of my family and friends with school age children begin distance learning I have gone through several stages of thought. The first one being, no big deal many people have been receiving their degrees using online distance learning for many years.  Next came my amusement over the multiple memes of parents experiencing homeschooling and the reality of trying to educate their children under a state of lock down.  My current stage is one of concern.

Let me start that I spent all of my parenting years as a military spouse and the mother four military dependents.  Additionally, most of those parenting years were also spent as an educator of other military dependent children.   I will tell you without hesitation that children whose parents serve in the military have a different set of core values than that of the average American child, however, there are also things that they have experienced that many of the children of America have not had to, until COVID19.

Our children are experiencing a form of Trauma.  Stop and think about it for a moment.   The definition of trauma is “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience”  We as adults think of trauma as violent or aggressive, however it is as simple as a disturbing experience, which is exactly what COVID19 is. 

Humor me for a moment and have an honest conversation with yourself right now.  Think about how you are feeling about what is happening in the world right now.  Let me share how I feel. I am concerned for the health of my family and friends, I have three children who are mission essential and a daughter and law and son in law who are also considered mission essential.  I am also mission essential.  I am concerned about the economy and the burden this virus may put on my employees. I am worried that this will go on and it will be difficult for the country to recover financially.  I worried that the work that I have done over the last several months on my job will be gone and I will need to come up with a new plan.  I am worried about all of these things and I am an adult who has the cognitive and social/emotional ability to work through these things.  I have the language skills to explain how I feel.

Now think about your children.  These children were all conceived after 9/11 so they do not have the knowledge that our country was able to rise out of the most devastating experience of our generation.  The currently knowledge they have from the media is that our country does nothing but argue and bicker, they are scared.  In order for children to understand what is happening around them they create schemas in their minds out of what they understand.  Think about what that may look like for a moment…they are creating their truth about their current situation with the knowledge they have gathered.   What do you think is going on in their little minds right now? 

Next, I want to you to think about the importance of human relationships and the human connection.  As an educator, I think that parents do not realize that teachers and school staff are just as active in their children’s social emotional development as they are their academic and cognitive development.  Whether it be preschool, elementary, middle or high school a large part of the growth and development a child experiences in a day is in the area of social/emotional development.  Those connections to other humans, friendships, solid positive relationships with adults and the minefield known as peer pressure are all experiences our children have outside the walls of our homes on a daily basis.  The positive friendships and human interactions that cause them to laugh, smile and feel good about themselves.  The teachers who go the extra mile to encourage a child that is struggling, the administrative staff that encourages them and the coaches that mentor and coach them…they experience these each day they attend school.  Today they find themselves without those human connections, thrust into a new learning environment, with if we tell the truth, parents who are ill equipped to be their teachers.  Their human connections they are now experiencing are limited to what happens within their home.

Here is my advice to parents that are now faced with this dilemma: Spend as much time on your child’s social/emotional development as you do as you do on the school work they have been charged with completing.  Keep in mind that you don’t have to have a “school schedule” that mimics the normal school day.  I recommend a schedule, but it does not have to look like traditional school day does.  Build some time in there for social emotional connections, time for your child to talk about how they are feeling, opportunities for you to give them the knowledge and support they need to understand this current situation.  Help them build schema’s that are truthful and encouraging, instead of those they have created for themselves.  Allow them some down time without the computer, TV or tablet.  Allow them time to play, laugh and feel good about life. 

Finally, please listen to me as the voice of experience…take care of yourselves as well.  This is traumatic for you as well.  People joke about being home with their children and having to become their teachers, but there is some trauma in that experience as well.  Many of you have been taken from your roles on the job and thrust into a situation where you must now work from home, while educating your children and being responsible for all of their activities, while not leaving the house and work through the stress that COVID19 is causing in your own schema’s.  You no longer have the social outlet of going to work with grownups and talking to your peers, you can’t go out to lunch with your friends and there is no therapeutic Target run in your day. These can all be distressing, therefore traumatic. 

Everyone take a deep breath and think about the social and emotional health of your family and then come up with a plan that works for all of you.  One that is kind and allows for you all to feel and talk about those feelings.  One that encourages laughter and the human connection. 

The Loss of High School Sports

I think I am ready to write this blog, honestly I don’t think I will ever be ready, but it is something I need to do before it all catches up with me and I have to deal with it all at once.

Yesterday I put my youngest son in a limo and watched him drive off to his senior prom, which of course reduced me to tears.  As I drove home from dinner with a dear friend who has known Zachary since he was born I began to think about the transition to the next phase of life we are embarking on and the loss of high school sports came to the forefront of my mind.  I am sure there are some who will not understand these words, today or maybe never, but those of you who have traveled this path before me and those walking along side of me will understand.

Since 2005 high school sports has been a major part of my life.  That’s eleven years of commitment, practices, games, team spirit shirts, wins/losses, championships, bleachers, buses, team snacks, summer sessions, uniforms, helmets, pompoms, cleats, jerseys, bows, and the amazing life lessons that high school sports brings.

I mourn the loss of the thrill of watching young men and women taking the field, the same young men and women just a few years prior you were teaching to tie their shoes, and giving their all on the field.  I have cried tears of joy and tears of defeat in the bleachers of high school stadiums in places many people don’t even get to visit in a lifetime never mind live.  I have watched them leave the field with the joy of their victory and the weight of their defeat.

I have watched as the sport of the season consumes these athletes for weeks, even months at a time.  It affects what they eat, how they sleep, how they think, and whom they spend their time with.  I have watched them encourage each other, straighten each other out, carry each other off the field after an injury, take a knee for an injured player, and crowd the hospital room of a seriously injured player.

I have witnessed them take some penalties that were not theirs with a grace that many of the parents in the stands were not able to display.  I have watched them stop all play, remove their helmets, and place their hands over their hearts as colors played.  I have witnessed these amazing kids take the field and leave a piece of themselves out there.  The dedication and passion, which they play the game, is humbling.  I have watched them volunteer in the community and give back to the fans that supported them.

I will miss the beginning of the games with the national anthem, state song, and the school alma mater.  I will miss the end of the game handshakes, photos, and following the bus back to the school. I will miss the community that high school sports provide a family.

Most of all I will miss the all consuming way our family has donned the colors of not one, but four different sets of school colors and supported whoever was taking the field that day.  I mourn the loss of this time that has passed with my children.