As I sit by and watch all of my family and friends with school age children begin distance learning I have gone through several stages of thought. The first one being, no big deal many people have been receiving their degrees using online distance learning for many years. Next came my amusement over the multiple memes of parents experiencing homeschooling and the reality of trying to educate their children under a state of lock down. My current stage is one of concern.
Let me start that I spent all of my parenting years as a military spouse and the mother four military dependents. Additionally, most of those parenting years were also spent as an educator of other military dependent children. I will tell you without hesitation that children whose parents serve in the military have a different set of core values than that of the average American child, however, there are also things that they have experienced that many of the children of America have not had to, until COVID19.
Our children are experiencing a form of Trauma. Stop and think about it for a moment. The definition of trauma is “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience” We as adults think of trauma as violent or aggressive, however it is as simple as a disturbing experience, which is exactly what COVID19 is.
Humor me for a moment and have an honest conversation with yourself right now. Think about how you are feeling about what is happening in the world right now. Let me share how I feel. I am concerned for the health of my family and friends, I have three children who are mission essential and a daughter and law and son in law who are also considered mission essential. I am also mission essential. I am concerned about the economy and the burden this virus may put on my employees. I am worried that this will go on and it will be difficult for the country to recover financially. I worried that the work that I have done over the last several months on my job will be gone and I will need to come up with a new plan. I am worried about all of these things and I am an adult who has the cognitive and social/emotional ability to work through these things. I have the language skills to explain how I feel.
Now think about your children. These children were all conceived after 9/11 so they do not have the knowledge that our country was able to rise out of the most devastating experience of our generation. The currently knowledge they have from the media is that our country does nothing but argue and bicker, they are scared. In order for children to understand what is happening around them they create schemas in their minds out of what they understand. Think about what that may look like for a moment…they are creating their truth about their current situation with the knowledge they have gathered. What do you think is going on in their little minds right now?
Next, I want to you to think about the importance of human relationships and the human connection. As an educator, I think that parents do not realize that teachers and school staff are just as active in their children’s social emotional development as they are their academic and cognitive development. Whether it be preschool, elementary, middle or high school a large part of the growth and development a child experiences in a day is in the area of social/emotional development. Those connections to other humans, friendships, solid positive relationships with adults and the minefield known as peer pressure are all experiences our children have outside the walls of our homes on a daily basis. The positive friendships and human interactions that cause them to laugh, smile and feel good about themselves. The teachers who go the extra mile to encourage a child that is struggling, the administrative staff that encourages them and the coaches that mentor and coach them…they experience these each day they attend school. Today they find themselves without those human connections, thrust into a new learning environment, with if we tell the truth, parents who are ill equipped to be their teachers. Their human connections they are now experiencing are limited to what happens within their home.
Here is my advice to parents that are now faced with this dilemma: Spend as much time on your child’s social/emotional development as you do as you do on the school work they have been charged with completing. Keep in mind that you don’t have to have a “school schedule” that mimics the normal school day. I recommend a schedule, but it does not have to look like traditional school day does. Build some time in there for social emotional connections, time for your child to talk about how they are feeling, opportunities for you to give them the knowledge and support they need to understand this current situation. Help them build schema’s that are truthful and encouraging, instead of those they have created for themselves. Allow them some down time without the computer, TV or tablet. Allow them time to play, laugh and feel good about life.
Finally, please listen to me as the voice of experience…take care of yourselves as well. This is traumatic for you as well. People joke about being home with their children and having to become their teachers, but there is some trauma in that experience as well. Many of you have been taken from your roles on the job and thrust into a situation where you must now work from home, while educating your children and being responsible for all of their activities, while not leaving the house and work through the stress that COVID19 is causing in your own schema’s. You no longer have the social outlet of going to work with grownups and talking to your peers, you can’t go out to lunch with your friends and there is no therapeutic Target run in your day. These can all be distressing, therefore traumatic.
Everyone take a deep breath and think about the social and emotional health of your family and then come up with a plan that works for all of you. One that is kind and allows for you all to feel and talk about those feelings. One that encourages laughter and the human connection.
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