Reality Versus Schema

Yesterday I talked about how children take the information that they understand about a situation and create a schema or a reality that makes sense to them.  They do this for everything, not just the hard stuff or the overwhelming stuff.  Let me give you an example of how it works from my life.  I am going to share a story about my youngest son and how he took several truths in his life and put them together to create something he could understand.

Here are the facts that he used:

1. 1. Zachary was born on December 7^th.  This day does not have significance for as many people as it used to, but as the son of an active duty Submarine Master Chief and having been born in Hawaii it has meaning to Zachary.  December 7, 1941 was the day Pearl Harbor was bombed and the day that the United States entered WW2.
2. 2. One of my closest friends was a foster parent for years and she adopted every child she fostered.  Zachary spent a great deal of time with this loving family and only understood the loving family side of foster care, not what caused the child to be in foster in the first place.

When Zachary was six or seven we went to go see Chronicles of Narnia in the theater.  As the movie began with families putting their children on the trains, Zachary leaned over and asked me what was happening. I explained that during WW2 many families in Europe who lived in the city sent their children to live with other family members who lived in the country to keep them safe.  The enemy was bombing the city, but not the country, so children would be safer there. He then said, “So it was like the foster care Aunty Kelle does?”  I replied, “A little bit, yes.”

Fast forward a few months and as we drove past Pearl Harbor, Zachary asked me,”Mom, when am I going back to my real family?”  I was a little confused because I was the one who delivered all ten pounds of him, three weeks past his due date so I asked him what he meant.  This was his reply, “Mom. I was born on Pearl Harbor Day, at the beginning of the war and my family sent me to you to keep me safe, just like foster care.”  

This example of how a young child took the information he had, all truthful, and created his own understanding is one that I use in every class I teach to explain how children create schemas.  Children take the information that they know and as they understand it and they create something they can relate to. 

So, now imagine the schemas children have created about what is happening in the world right now.  You may not have had a conversation with them about it, but their minds have been gathering information about it from the news, the change in their daily routine, the fact that they don’t go to school anymore and are learning from home, the vibes they are getting from the adults in their lives and the feelings from social isolation.  If you assume that that they don’t know what it going on, you are correct.  However, they are going to take what they know and create something they can relate to and it will become their truth about the situation. 

How do we impact that schema?  First look at the messages that they are hearing via TV and radio and consider not watching when they are around.  Second, make sure that you have dealt with your own emotions around what is happening so they will feel your calmness.  Thirdly, take some time to sit down and ask them how they are feeling and talk through those emotions.  If they share fear and anxiety about becoming sick or someone they love becoming sick, tell them that everyone is doing their part to make sure that doesn’t happen by staying home and washing their hands.  If someone does get sick, doctors and nurses are working hard to take care of everyone so that they can get better.  Talk to them and see what information they have used to create their schema’s and where there is misinformation provide them with truth and talk it through.  

During this time where we are confined within small spaces with each other, with no end date for the social distancing, be kind to yourselves.  As crazy as this sounds, we are fortunate to have this happen at a time in history when there is an awareness of the importance of social/emotional development in young children and the knowledge of how situations like these impact the mental health and wellbeing of individuals and families.  We can talk about these things and work them out together, unlike any other time in history.