Being an Influencer...

When my kids were younger, way back when I had four children under the age of seven, and a husband who was submerged often during the endless eight years of consecutive sea duty we subjected ourselves to at the time I used to tell myself that someday they would grow up and it wouldn’t be so hard.  Well I am not going to call myself a liar, although I often have a few choice words to say to myself when I think back to how deceived I was, I will say that those thoughts were probably some of the most misguided thoughts I have ever had in my life.

Let me fast forward you sixteen years to my reality…having grown up children is much harder than having those little people, who while they drove you crazy all day, and depended on you for everything, had a definite bedtime and little control of their own lives.  These days I go to bed much earlier than my children, and I have no control over their choices or decisions, influence perhaps, but no control.

I can’t put into words the struggle of having to relinquish the reigns of sanity and reason you have over your children’s lives, to them…  I love my children with all my heart and soul, with everything within me, but I am doubtful about their ability to make sound decisions that will impact them for the rest of their lives.  Looking back to my young adulthood I am painfully aware of the anguish I must have caused my parents.

Looking back scares the bejesus out of me!  I dropped out of college, went to Washington State, eloped with a very junior sailor, moved across the ocean to Hawaii and had a baby!  I promise all of you that should the above even attempt to happen with my children I may require divine intervention.  HOWEVER, when I look back at the decisions I made that kept my parents up at night I realize several things….

1.     It all turned out ok.  Even though we married very young, neither of us having financial stability, degrees, or even a plan, we made it!  We both have our respective degrees, reached a place of financial security, and even though we did not have a plan God did!

2.     That even though my decisions caused my parents some pain and some tears, they NEVER let that pain come between us.  They never took my decisions personally, they never said, “I told you so,” they never stopped loving me.  I am as grateful for the example they set on how to love me, as I am the love they gave me.

3.     Well it may sound like a cliché none of my decisions killed me, but served to make me stronger.  I may have felt pain and had to struggle because of my decisions, but thank God none of them killed me!  I am a better person because of them.  When I lay awake praying in the quiet dawn hours, praying and crying about the pain and struggles my young adults are going through I need to remember that what happened did not kill them, and pray that they use these experiences as a spring board to allow themselves to be healed and taken to the next level.   God knows that we do not ever want to see our children hurting or struggling and it will be the hardest thing we will ever do, but He has a plan and we must have faith that it will all turn out ok.

I shared with a good friend yesterday, that as they enter into the stage of their lives where they have to make decisions for themselves, it is important as a parent to pick your battles very carefully. VERY CAREFULLY.  For example, your young adult may choose to drink, which for me was a hard one to adjust to, but not a battle I chose.  Instead I chose to make my battle cry heard on drinking responsibly.  I can hear many of you discrediting my decision to not fight them on drinking, but let me ask you this, what would you rather have, a child who hides their drinking from you, potentially putting themselves in situations that are dangerous, or a child who is open with you and because you are not arguing about the topic, is able to hear what you are saying, and avoid trouble because of it?  I would much prefer that my children are able to hear me tell them to be aware of their drinks safety in public, than have some one slip something into their drink without their knowledge because no one made them aware of the danger.  I would much rather my children openly discuss the dangers of drinking and how it inhibits you and may cause you to make decisions or put yourself in dangerous situations, than for them to be taken advantage of.  I would much rather my child know that calling me for a ride when they don’t think that they or their friends should drive, than be fearful and making the decision to drive themselves.  Do you HEAR me?  Drinking is not a sin, being a drunkard is, but responsible social drinking is something we should be educating our children on, and its hard to educate them when they don’t listen to you because you chose the wrong battle.

Do I agree with every tattoo, piercing, purchase, word, thought, ideas plan, outfit, music choice, or decision my young adults make?  No, but I realize that I no longer have the control I once had in their decision making process.  I realize that I must trust that I have raised them in the way they should go, and while their actions may not show it, that their hearts and spirits have not departed from it.  I must accept that they must make decisions and stand by the consequences of those decisions in order to learn and grow.  I must accept that my role is one of influencer instead of enforcer.

As I learn to embrace the role of influencer, I will also embrace the opportunities where I am allowed to share reality in conversations where there is no yelling and fussing, but rather open honest communication between adults.

In closing my friends, I leave you with this: Our parents and generations of parents have survived this stage of life, without any generation totally destroying mankind, therefore so will we.  The question is sixteen years from now when I sit down to family dinners, will it be with well adjusted adults who have grown and prospered because they were allowed to make their own decisions and learn from them, adults with whom I have a healthy positive relationship with, or will it be an uncomfortable meal where nobody wants to be present for?

It Was the Most Amazing, Hardest Three Years of My Life.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This has long been one of my favorite Bible versus, it comforts me to know that in every situation that God has a plan for me, even if I can’t see it or even want to see it.

My time in Guam was both amazing and a struggle at the same time.  I have been telling people it was the most amazing, hardest three years of  my life. 

Let me start with the people of Guam, the real people of Guam, not the ones you find inside the confinements of the base gates.  The people of Guam are warm, welcoming, and incredible.  We were blessed enough to meet some people that have become like family, people I would be honored to have in my life forever.  They are dedicated, loving, kind, and so very sincere.  Their hospitality and love of life has given me a new appreciation and love for my fellow man and the desire to connect with people on a more basic and real level.

My football/baseball/rugby/paddling sideline brothers and sisters have become my friends for life, not simply because our children will most likely be life long friends, but because they are people I truly like and admire.  They were my family, my carpool buddies, my fellow sideline critics, and in most cases those I spent some well deserved time at the end of a long week decompressing and laughing with.  We fed, mended, scolded, inspired, took photos of, did laundry for, parented, and cheered an amazing group of Guam High Panthers.  They gave me the gift of laughter and friendship, and re-enforced my belief that it takes a village to raise a child. I also had to learn to say good-bye to these amazing people, as they PCS’d to other commands.  To build strong bonds and relationships only to have them move away at times often seems physically draining.  It was the most amazing, hardest three years of my life.

Chicago blessed me with amazing friends, who gifted me with their support, camaraderie, love, and laughter.  This group of people was my support system, the ones who knew things about my life that I wasn’t able to share with the rest of the world because of OPSEC.  They identified with the loneliness of deployments, late nights, and missions.  We filled our time with pedicures, painting, movies, 5K’s, and enough pinterest ideas to put Martha Stewart to shame.  And of course there is the one piece of advice passed on to me by my dear friend Erin T, the CO’s wife, “No matter how they act, NEVER let them see you react in a way that will hinder you from walking away with your head held high and your dignity in tact.”   Then there were others who caused me to have to use Erin’s very wise and sage advice.  These people also taught me that it doesn’t matter if they know who I am, it only matters that I know who I am.  They also taught me that you have in your power to eliminate negativity in your life simply by not entertaining it, but walking away from it. This group of people taught me that I need to be selective in whom I share myself with and that not everyone does or needs to appreciate what I bring to the table and I should not be offended by their attitudes, but rather save what I have for those who are ready for my gift, and who really want it. It was the most amazing, hardest three years of my life.

There was another special group of people who taught me additional valuable lessons.  This group of people cannot be named or identified, because I simply wouldn’t know where to begin.  This small pocket of people, were quite possible the most ungrateful, unhappy group of people I may have ever encountered.  This group complained about everything from the front gate, to crosswalks, to speed limits, opportunities offered on base, or opportunities not offered on base. I am not sure if this happens on other small bases, but this is the first time I have encountered such a clump of grump!  They made life uncomfortable for everyone on base and caused divisions and tension in many instances over simply childish things.  These people taught me to be grateful for those people who work so hard for our families, supporting them and providing services on base.  It was the most amazing, hardest three years of my life.

My job began as a struggle, and ended amazing.  Our branch of the base organization was being run by someone who had no experience in running a federal entity and in other areas of the world would have been fired for their gross violations of every EEO law in place.  I struggled to work in an environment that I knew was corrupt and in violation of my rights and the rights of those around me.  I often woke up on Monday mornings crying, dreading having to work under such conditions for another five days.  The poor morale of the organization and the fear in the employees eyes were a tangible thing, they could be felt, smelled, and tasted.  A year and a half into it we received our freedom when the individual quit.  It was like the curtain of darkness had been lifted and we were new people.  The spirit of healing began to work its miracles as we collaborated, laughed and moved forward.  I was blessed enough to be selected for the position that the negative individual had vacated and given the opportunity to spearhead the healing and turn around of such an amazing team.  We accomplished more in that year in a half than had been accomplished in the more than ten years prior. The freedom and healing also allowed healthy relationships and bonds to form among the staff, and the people I left behind at CYP Guam will always have a piece of my heart. I was also blessed at that time with an amazing boss and an amazing group of fellow department heads, which made coming to work fun and enjoyable, even on our craziest days. It was the most amazing, hardest three years of my life.

Chicago blessed us with a very successful tour and allowed us many opportunities to celebrate.  Two Battle E’s, Master Chief, Command Master Chief, numerous highly successful missions, numerous dependent cruises, opportunities to travel, opportunities to meet leadership from other nations, a special relationship with the wonderful members of the 721 Club, and an overall an amazing crew and command.  Those amazing opportunities came with a price, just with any other leadership role.  I learned not to be offended when people took my husbands decisions personally, and said unfavorable things, I learned that not everyone wants to be close to you because they have a sincere interest in sustaining a relationship with you, but rather what a relationship with you will benefit them.  I learned that it is truly lonely at the top, and there are very few people you can talk to.  However, these hard lessons I learned birthed a deeper fellowship with the Lord, the only one I had to talk to at times and contentment with myself.  It was the most amazing, hardest three years of my life.

Coming from Hawaii you would think that Island Time would be something I would be used to.  On Guam Island Time is Hawaii Time slowed down, stopped, and then started again. At first it was very painful for this girl from the east coast to slow it down that fast.  The maximum speed limit on the island is 35 MPH.  Yes you read that correct 35 MPH.  Imagine attempting to drive only 35 MPH for three years.  Checking out at the store takes longer, walking in the mall takes longer, ordering and being served at a restaurant takes longer, and I swear that the traffic lights take longer!  Getting items shipped to Guam meant shopping for items you needed six months in advance because that’s how long it takes to ship certain items. Over the course of the three years we were there it taught me to slow down and appreciate life, it taught me how to relax and make time for the things that matter. It was the most amazing, hardest three years of my life.

I have said it before and I will most likely say it again.  I would not have chosen to go to Guam, but given the choice again, I would do it all over again.  It was not an easy tour, but it was amazing and it did teach me many valuable life lessons and blessed me with an amazing group of people who I will always hold near and dear to my heart.

It was the most amazing, hardest three years of my life.

Time Travel

There are moments in my life as a military spouse where I am blindsided by the rapid changing scenery of my friendships. I was blessed to spend the 2013 Panther football season with the three dedicated football moms pictured in the photo above. However, today as Zachary and I prepare for the 2014 football season to begin tomorrow the sad lonely truth is that none of these amazing women are no longer physically here on Guam with me.

As military families we are blessed to form quick, solid relationships with those who, with the reality of the pun, are in the same boat. We are thousands of miles away from our friends and families, and we often form relationships quickly with those who have the same interests as us, in this case it was football. Our boys were instantly banned into a unique band of brothers at a DODEA high school, a place where every student is the new student, and everyone understands the struggle of moving and having to make new friends.

These three women and I worked to make sure the boys were fed, had rides to where they needed to go, and sat in the stands at each game. We were the constants at the games, the ones always present. Sometimes our husbands were there, sometimes they were not, but we were there. When I look at this photo I experience so many emotions. Thankfulness for the gift of friendship, happy that I had some great women to share the milestones of my high school students with, grateful for the laughter, and sad that they will be present at each game this season in spirit only.

As much as I will miss these wonderful women and the family we created, I know based on experience, that I will be blessed with new friendships this season. New bonds will be formed and I will treasure the new friendships as much as the old. For this is the way of the military spouse. We build new friendships all while treasuring the old. We sacrifice greatly as we say goodbye to friends when we leave, or they leave. However, the enormous blessings of the numerous friendships were are fortunate enough to have far out weigh the many good byes we experience.

I am sure I will look back in a year and be able to share photos and memories of the new amazing friendships I was blessed with all within a short 365 days.

Pier Dates

As my husband and I sat in the car on the pier having lunch one day this week, he made the comment that my next blog should be about pier dates. For those of you who have never been associated with the Navy you are thinking what in the world is a pier date?  Those associated with the Navy are saying, "I know exactly what she is talking about!"

After I left him on the pier to board that submarine and take her out of the harbor, I began to think of the role the pier has played in my life.  For twenty five years I have had a love hate relationship with the pier, for you see the pier symbolizes either homecoming or departure, and back in the day duty days.  The pier is either taking your husband away or returning him to you, in the case of duty days lending him to you for a moment,

Homecomings have the piers decked out in bands, decorations, festivities, news crews, and smiling families all waiting to welcome the vessel and crew back home.  Departures bring tears and the complete void of any festivities or hoopla. However, both bring a sense of anticipation.  Departures for the submarine and her crew bring about the anticipation of finally getting to get out to sea and do what they do, for the families (or at least myself) it brings about the anticipation of the good bye being over so that I can look forward to the homecoming. Homecoming brings the obvious anticipation of returning home. 

I have also spent countless hours waiting on the pier, because the reality of homecoming on a sub is that no one is going home right away.  There are things we don't talk about that need to be taken care of, trash that needs to be offloaded, mail that needs to be taken off the boat and more that needs to be brought on, telephone lines that need to be connected, the mooring lines that need to be secured, and power that needs to be connected.  This means that the families have several choices.  In Hawaii when the kids were younger I would let them stay on the pier for a short time after the boat returned and then I would take then back to the car, give them a snack and pop a movie in while we waited.  In Guam the kids rarely go to the pier with me so I either stick around and chit chat or go home, because the house is literally three minutes away.

And then there are the actual dates you have on the pier.  My husband has not stood duty on a submarine in probably 6 years, but back in the day when he did I would pack all the kids in the car and take dad dinner on the pier.  Back then there wasn't a lot of conversation going on other than, "Joshua get away from the edge, Zachary don't climb on that, Brittany leave your sister alone, Becca don't touch that."  Now however, when they are preparing to leave on mission I leave work, go buy us lunch, and drive down the pier to have lunch with my husband.  Sometimes it’s raining, sometimes it’s hotter than hades, but we still in the car on the pier and have our last meal together before he leaves.  We talk about our plans for the underway, the things that matter to us, and make peace with the departure.  

My husband constantly reminds me that the civilian world really has no concept of the life we lead, and he's not talking about the sacrifices we make but the difference that something like a pier makes in our life, when in theirs in plays no part and probably never crosses their minds.  In contrast the pier plays a major role in our lives, the huge chunk of cement is the center of our world.  My time with the pier is coming to an end and as we approach then end of our last sea tour I am having a hard time picturing my life without it.  While we look forward to our retirement from the Navy, we also realize that we will be leaving behind a lifestyle that very few have experienced and will understand. 

Competing Opinions

I have been struggling with something for some time, something that seems to be present everywhere I go...opinions.  Now I am not saying opinions are a bad thing, because we all are entitled to them and we all have them,  I am referring to how people share them and the violent manner in which some people respond when they react to opinions they don't agree with.

 I think in a time and age that opinions can be shared with the entire world on Twitter, Facebook, and blogs like mine there needs to be some consideration given to how one presents their opinion.  Through out the day I hear and see people share their opinions, I have found some that are eloquent and open minded when sharing their opinion and then there are others who seem to be under the misguided impression that their opinion should be the only opinion for everybody.  These people present their opinions in a manner that dares anyone to disagree with them, under the impression that theirs is the only opinion acceptable.  These opinions often include , but are not limited to breastfeeding, where to live, what car everyone should drive, the best diet, diet-life choices, exercise, what cell phone carrier is the best, when the board results came out last year, Navy regulations, life choices, and the list goes on and one.

We all know the saying about opinions and how they are like something else everyone else has...but in reality we all have one.  Where this opinion comes from is unique for each and every person. Our upbringing, our past, our morals, our values, what we personally are committed to, and knowledge all contribute to the formation of our opinion.  Looking at opinions is like looking at snowflakes, they are all unique.  So, when sharing yours know that it is YOURS and may be YOURS ALONE.  shoving your life choices or opinions on others is like trying to make your finger print match some else's.  

I have come to a point where I tend to keep my opinion to myself on Facebook and other social media.  I have seen someone ask a simple question like, "Where is the best place on island to get your hair colored?" and have it turn into an all out drama, filled with warring opinions.  First of all, who has the energy to fight with strangers over the best place to get your hair colored, and second of all, everyone's hair is different so what may work for you may not work for me.  My former stylist in Hawaii was like a sister to me, and when I moved to Guam I was not looking for a stylist who wanted to chat and talk while she did my hair because I was not looking for someone to replace her, I wasn't looking for a friend, I just needed someone competent to do my hair. Maybe you are the person who likes to chit chat while you get your hair done, which would make our opinions...GASP...different!

Additionally, as we experience life we often form opinions based on experience and lessons learned.  For example, a new Navy wife is going to have a much different opinion than that of a 26 year Master Chief’s wife.  The Master Chief’s wife has experienced much more than the new Navy wife, and has formed opinions based on those experiences.  Another factor is there is most likely a generation between the Master Chief’s wife and the new Navy wife, which will give them  different perspectives in shaping their opinions.  Is either of them right or wrong?  They are both right ! I know, I know some of you over opinionated people out there can’t handle two people being right, at the same time, about the same thing. However, they are both right because they are forming their opinions based on personal experience and knowledge.  The key to harmony is each of them respecting the others individual opinion.

Living in a military community cannot be experienced anywhere else in the world.  You are bringing thousands of people at different stages of their career and life, from different parts of the world, with different family backgrounds and upbringings, and different education levels and experiences together, inside a gate under often-stressful situations.  All of us need to learn to respect the value of each other’s opinions and take into account the things that make up our differences.

We are entitled to our opinions, but remember if you are entitled to yours, someone else is also entitled to theirs.  Let’s use some maturity and grace when sharing or listening to each other’s opinions.