Pier Dates

As my husband and I sat in the car on the pier having lunch one day this week, he made the comment that my next blog should be about pier dates. For those of you who have never been associated with the Navy you are thinking what in the world is a pier date?  Those associated with the Navy are saying, "I know exactly what she is talking about!"

After I left him on the pier to board that submarine and take her out of the harbor, I began to think of the role the pier has played in my life.  For twenty five years I have had a love hate relationship with the pier, for you see the pier symbolizes either homecoming or departure, and back in the day duty days.  The pier is either taking your husband away or returning him to you, in the case of duty days lending him to you for a moment,

Homecomings have the piers decked out in bands, decorations, festivities, news crews, and smiling families all waiting to welcome the vessel and crew back home.  Departures bring tears and the complete void of any festivities or hoopla. However, both bring a sense of anticipation.  Departures for the submarine and her crew bring about the anticipation of finally getting to get out to sea and do what they do, for the families (or at least myself) it brings about the anticipation of the good bye being over so that I can look forward to the homecoming. Homecoming brings the obvious anticipation of returning home. 

I have also spent countless hours waiting on the pier, because the reality of homecoming on a sub is that no one is going home right away.  There are things we don't talk about that need to be taken care of, trash that needs to be offloaded, mail that needs to be taken off the boat and more that needs to be brought on, telephone lines that need to be connected, the mooring lines that need to be secured, and power that needs to be connected.  This means that the families have several choices.  In Hawaii when the kids were younger I would let them stay on the pier for a short time after the boat returned and then I would take then back to the car, give them a snack and pop a movie in while we waited.  In Guam the kids rarely go to the pier with me so I either stick around and chit chat or go home, because the house is literally three minutes away.

And then there are the actual dates you have on the pier.  My husband has not stood duty on a submarine in probably 6 years, but back in the day when he did I would pack all the kids in the car and take dad dinner on the pier.  Back then there wasn't a lot of conversation going on other than, "Joshua get away from the edge, Zachary don't climb on that, Brittany leave your sister alone, Becca don't touch that."  Now however, when they are preparing to leave on mission I leave work, go buy us lunch, and drive down the pier to have lunch with my husband.  Sometimes it’s raining, sometimes it’s hotter than hades, but we still in the car on the pier and have our last meal together before he leaves.  We talk about our plans for the underway, the things that matter to us, and make peace with the departure.  

My husband constantly reminds me that the civilian world really has no concept of the life we lead, and he's not talking about the sacrifices we make but the difference that something like a pier makes in our life, when in theirs in plays no part and probably never crosses their minds.  In contrast the pier plays a major role in our lives, the huge chunk of cement is the center of our world.  My time with the pier is coming to an end and as we approach then end of our last sea tour I am having a hard time picturing my life without it.  While we look forward to our retirement from the Navy, we also realize that we will be leaving behind a lifestyle that very few have experienced and will understand. 

Competing Opinions

I have been struggling with something for some time, something that seems to be present everywhere I go...opinions.  Now I am not saying opinions are a bad thing, because we all are entitled to them and we all have them,  I am referring to how people share them and the violent manner in which some people respond when they react to opinions they don't agree with.

 I think in a time and age that opinions can be shared with the entire world on Twitter, Facebook, and blogs like mine there needs to be some consideration given to how one presents their opinion.  Through out the day I hear and see people share their opinions, I have found some that are eloquent and open minded when sharing their opinion and then there are others who seem to be under the misguided impression that their opinion should be the only opinion for everybody.  These people present their opinions in a manner that dares anyone to disagree with them, under the impression that theirs is the only opinion acceptable.  These opinions often include , but are not limited to breastfeeding, where to live, what car everyone should drive, the best diet, diet-life choices, exercise, what cell phone carrier is the best, when the board results came out last year, Navy regulations, life choices, and the list goes on and one.

We all know the saying about opinions and how they are like something else everyone else has...but in reality we all have one.  Where this opinion comes from is unique for each and every person. Our upbringing, our past, our morals, our values, what we personally are committed to, and knowledge all contribute to the formation of our opinion.  Looking at opinions is like looking at snowflakes, they are all unique.  So, when sharing yours know that it is YOURS and may be YOURS ALONE.  shoving your life choices or opinions on others is like trying to make your finger print match some else's.  

I have come to a point where I tend to keep my opinion to myself on Facebook and other social media.  I have seen someone ask a simple question like, "Where is the best place on island to get your hair colored?" and have it turn into an all out drama, filled with warring opinions.  First of all, who has the energy to fight with strangers over the best place to get your hair colored, and second of all, everyone's hair is different so what may work for you may not work for me.  My former stylist in Hawaii was like a sister to me, and when I moved to Guam I was not looking for a stylist who wanted to chat and talk while she did my hair because I was not looking for someone to replace her, I wasn't looking for a friend, I just needed someone competent to do my hair. Maybe you are the person who likes to chit chat while you get your hair done, which would make our opinions...GASP...different!

Additionally, as we experience life we often form opinions based on experience and lessons learned.  For example, a new Navy wife is going to have a much different opinion than that of a 26 year Master Chief’s wife.  The Master Chief’s wife has experienced much more than the new Navy wife, and has formed opinions based on those experiences.  Another factor is there is most likely a generation between the Master Chief’s wife and the new Navy wife, which will give them  different perspectives in shaping their opinions.  Is either of them right or wrong?  They are both right ! I know, I know some of you over opinionated people out there can’t handle two people being right, at the same time, about the same thing. However, they are both right because they are forming their opinions based on personal experience and knowledge.  The key to harmony is each of them respecting the others individual opinion.

Living in a military community cannot be experienced anywhere else in the world.  You are bringing thousands of people at different stages of their career and life, from different parts of the world, with different family backgrounds and upbringings, and different education levels and experiences together, inside a gate under often-stressful situations.  All of us need to learn to respect the value of each other’s opinions and take into account the things that make up our differences.

We are entitled to our opinions, but remember if you are entitled to yours, someone else is also entitled to theirs.  Let’s use some maturity and grace when sharing or listening to each other’s opinions.

Keep Your Life in Perspective People!

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

 At age 12 success is having friends 

 At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

 At age 20 success is having sex.

 At age 35 success is having money. 

 At age 50 success is having money. 

 At age 60 success is having sex. 

 At age 75 success is having friends.

 At age 70 success is having a drivers license. 

 At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

I had one heck of a week!  From crazy work hours because of the Month of the Military Child, an FRG meeting, working all day Saturday, a formal event last night, and the normal craziness that comes with having a deployed husband and two teenage boys, and two daughters in college!

But as all of it kept rolling straight at me like a freight train and I fought to keep the balance, one thought remained a constant.  It was..."In five years will this matter to me?"  

In five years will the last minute tasker, or the crazy response from the powers that be in Tennessee really matter to me?  Will the frustration raised over wording in the FRG committee guidelines really matter to me?  Will the messy living room, kitchen, and every other room in the house due to spring break really matter to me?  Will the lack of email from the boat, and the schedule changes really matter to me? 

I am going to go out on a limb and say, that no they will not matter to me.  I am sure I was frustrated about something five years ago, and knowing myself back then I am sure I was passionate about that something.  However, since my mom passed away, two of my daughters have gone off to college, and we have moved to Guam I have realized that some of the things that frustrate us, sap our energy, and we give the power to take away the joy of living in the moment really don't deserve all the attention we give them. 

While in the moment these things frustrate us, but do they really deserve all the attention that we give them?  Most likely not, and they may be taking attention away from the good things in life that will matter to you in five years like, your family, your health, your friendships, your own personal goals, and your peace of mind.

I am trying to find a place in life where I can address the situation as it is before me, deal with it and move on.  And when I say move on I mean, let it go, give it no more power, and treat all those involved with respect. 

So I ask you to join me in this journey of hanging on to those things that will matter in five years and letting go of the things that won't!  

Gold Star Spouse Day

For those of you who don’t know it today is Gold Star Spouse day, a day set aside to remember the widows and widowers of fallen service members. A day set aside to respect their strength, their commitment, and their sacrifice. Let me stop right there at that word sacrifice. According to the dictionary the definition of sacrifice is as follows, “Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim.” These fellow spouses have given up something highly valued to them, the lives of those that they vowed to love, honor and cherish for something that they and their spouse had a covenant agreement held a greater value than they themselves…America’s rights and freedoms.

 Please let me take a moment to tell you what was never in their covenant agreement. It was not their agreement for them to sacrifice for the nonsense I see and hear everyday, from their fellow military spouses, those who should honor and respect their sacrifice. They did not agree to live without the love of their life so that spouses can complain about the gate being backed up because the gate guards are being vigilant and protecting our families. They did not sacrifice so that their peers could complain endlessly about the FRG or the Ombudsman, or the Command Support Team. They did not sacrifice so that their peers could go on and on about how there is no hourly care at the CDC because the spaces are all filled with children whose parents are active duty and their spouses who work. They did not sacrifice so that their peers could complain about the movie selection at the base movie theater.

 No these are not the reasons our fellow brothers and sisters sacrificed it all and it makes me boil with anger that some people feel it is ok to complain and act as if the above mentioned items are a great sacrifice. Now don’t get me wrong it is perfectly acceptable to be frustrated with these situations. However, we must remember and keep in perspective that the above issues and similar issues are small sacrifices or inconveniences when compared to the sacrifices the Gold Star Spouses have made. NOT ONE of us would want to walk in their shoes. And as anyone who has lost a loved one knows, losing someone you love makes all of the unimportant things in life disappear. So, I am asking you that you seriously consider your actions and think to yourself, “Is the way I live my life and carry myself honoring these families who have given it all?”

 I am not asking you to give up your opinion or the things that are important to you, what I am asking is that you realize that there are greater sacrifices in the world than not getting to see the movie you want on base. To my brothers and sisters who have sacrificed it all, I want to thank you for the love you have for your spouse and the commitment you have to them to stand by their side in this life time commitment to their service.

I Am Thankful for Me Sub Wife Version!

I posted the orginal blog for this on my other blog, but I am making some additions to the Sub Wife Version:-) Yes, my title says I am thankful for me! This last year has been trying but has taught me so much about myself and life. I have learned to value myself, not in a puffed up look at me way, but in a way that allows me to understand my own worth and protect myself.

As women we tend to buy into the Pnterest, DIY, and latest fitness hype of the day. Now, I am not saying any of those things are bad or harmful, but when we begin comparing ourselves to them we fall into a trap. Think about it...you are surfing through Pinterest and you see all these amazing ideas and can't wait to try them for your holiday party. You start making lists and gathering items and you are ready to go. But then life happens and you don't have the time to get it all done or your glue won't do the things that the Pinterest glue does and BAM! You start asking yourself why you can't get it done like the people on Pinterest. Well ladies here's a news flash for you...all those items on Pinterest were put on there by THOUSANDS of people. So you as an individual are trying to be all Pinterest or Martha Stewart when both of them have thousands of people working their stuff! Slow down decide what matters and focus on that.

This year has been a professional struggle for me. I am going to type into words what I have been saying to myself for several months...Jill you should be ashamed of yourself! I have been married to an active duty submariner for 24 years and have dealt with deployments, separation, long working hours, and being a single parent. BUT I have never had to deal with the frustration of moving every three years and the effect it can have on your career. I was spoiled and lived in the same place for 22 of those years and was able to build a solid reputation and name for myself in my field. I never struggled having to find a job; I simply applied for them and got them. I never had to struggle to re-establish my career and my reputation. Well, this last year I was able to experience just that and I found out it sucks! However, even in the suckage (its my blog I can make up words:)) I have learned a valuable lesson...to value myself and not to allow others to dictate my worth in both my own mind and in the work place. I had to spend countless hours praying, encouraging myself, and getting tongue lashings from those who love me to keep a grasp on who I am and my professional value. The truth is you really can't make people accept your value professionally...but you can hold on to your worth with both hands for yourself.

Another lesson learned this year comes from a blog I wrote a couple of months ago..."Don't Put Poop in Your Pocket." And I will be honest some days when I use that saying I use the word poop...other days its the naughty word for poop...because man....its bad poop! But the gist of it is people leave crap all over....gossip, lies, anger, jealousy...you name it, but you don't have to latch on to it and make it yours. You can simply chose to leave it where it is and not accept all the negativity they are trying to share with the world. As the wives of active duty Navy sailors we are often left with ourselves and depending on how much you value yourself this can cause you some problems. If you don't know your own self worth or your potential it can be scary to be the one you depend on. That's why I beleive it is so important that you like you, that you take care of you, that you value who you are and how you think. AND if you don't like certain things about you, who you are, or how you think, then change them. Find out what you value and make those your priorities and do something. Remind yourself daily that you are strong, that you can do this, that you history has shown you that you can do it. I am not going to lie every day of this life is not all a bowl of cherries for me. There are days when I would prefer coloring in my blanket fort, to being the grown up I am suppose to be! But the deal is I have, you have navigated another year of missions, boat schedules, duty days, and sub life that in itself says you can do it! The final lesson of the year is the common thread in all of the above lessons...YOU control what you think, feel, and allow into your life.

Value yourself enough to throw out the trash of life and hold tightly to what you value. Ladies, I promise you it is ok to love you, appreciate you, and be thankful for the person you were, are, and will be! Happy Thanksgiving!

Veterans Day 2013

Shhhhhh!!!!! It’s early in the morning on the Saturday of Veteran’s Day weekend and I am enjoying not only the peace and quiet, but the feeling of completeness that comes from knowing your husband is home from sea.

Veterans Day weekend, sadly like Memorial Day and 4th of July are often just thought of as a day off by most Americans. For those who serve, have served, and ever loved anyone who served these are days where reflection and honoring come before BBQ’s, parades, and fireworks. Personally, I live a life of honor and reflection, grateful for the sacrifices daily that the service men and women have made, are making, and will continue to make. Living, working, and spending almost every waking moment on a military base will do that to a person. Add to that the fact that I am supporting my husband as he lives a life of sacrifice, as are my children, and it’s easy to understand when I say live a life of honor, reflection, and gratefulness that I mean it as a verb, an action. I am given the opportunity daily to honor the service of our active duty members as I strive to provide them with excellent childcare as the CDC Director. Our team works to make sure that they can go to work knowing not only that their children are safe, but they are loved and happy. I am provided the opportunity twice a day to reflect on the sacrifice and gift that those who serve have given, are giving, and will give as I hear Colors twice a day and I pause, and reflect. I am also grateful daily for those who serve, as I witness them daily working to serve their country. I witness the gate guards serving as sentries to the base; I see the medical staff at the hospital serving active duty members and their families. I am blessed to drive down the pier and see submarines ready and willing to go into harms way. I am witness to the tears of sorrow as a submarine pulls out of port, tears of frustration as moms and children work to find their grove while dad is gone, and tears of joy when that submarine comes through the harbor and makes her way back to the pier.

I am in the thick of honor, courage, and commitment daily, I am fortunate enough to witness sacrifice in action. So I have an unfair advantage over most American’s, because I see daily sacrifice in action, rather than just a news clip here or there. I am grateful for the life I have been blessed to live as part of such an amazing group of men and women.

Back to the Future

I had a really hard time sleeping last night and have the headache to prove it, or maybe the headache is the reason I couldn't sleep. When I get like that my first instinct is to pray, in case it is a nudge from God to pray for someone. This stems from years for not knowing where my husband is in the deep blue and what type of danger he may be in. Because as we all knew if he told me he would have to kill me:-) But after I exhausted my prayer list and tossed and turned for hours, I began to think of how you would describe what its like to have a deployed spouse to someone who has no association with the military. The best that I could come up with is that its like time travel. You see all of us here at home keep living, changing, and moving towards the future. But when your spouse returns from deployment it is like he is coming back to the future. Things have happened that cannot be recreated or re-lived. My husband spent a good deal of out oldest daughters high school attached to the USS Columbus, the Bus, or as it was often referred to in Pearl The Clown Bus. We began that tour as a Geo-bachelor tour, with him leaving for Senior Enlisted Academy in May and continuing on the Washington. Brittany was just finishing her freshman year and getting ready to be a sophomore. She still had a curfew of 10, none of her friends could drive, and she was still young. By the time he knew it she was a senior, on the Varsity cheerleading squad, the curfew was midnight, and her friends were driving. He would ask why she was going out so late or how were they getting there because in his mind she was still a freshman. For him time had stood still, but for the rest of us time had moved on. I am sorry to say that the same is going to happen with Zachary who is heading into his sophomore year. When the boat returns its like the crew is coming back to the future. Those of us who have been here have experienced things that we could not share with them when they occurred and sometimes it’s not the same to describe them or try to include them in what happened. This can be tough on marriages and relationships because you have both had experiences in their absence that will help shape who you are, but they are often unable to share their experiences, and you are often unable to do your experiences justice when you explain them. So you learn to live with things you will never know about your spouse, not because of deception, but because of reality. As you are left behind you mark time by creating distractions, projects, goals, and activities with your friends. You chose not to do things until they return because it may be something you are willing to wait for to ensure they experience it with you. Sadly, there are things like birth, death, weddings, graduations, and other life events that cannot be put on hold until they return. So, you attend and a little bit of your heart breaks for a moment, but you breathe deeply and you smile knowing they wanted to be there. Our family has been extremely blessed to have Rick at all of our children's births and all of their high school graduations (although the last two he made by the hair of his chinny chin chin) However, next week I will drive my youngest daughter to the airport and send her off to college. He will not be here when she leaves and when he returns his household will be smaller by one child. A major life change will occur and he will not be here, and although the rest of will be used to her being gone when by the time he gets back, he will have to start the process from scratch. When he returns...he will be coming back to the future.