Things Are Out of Control

This is the fifth week of social distancing and working from home for my family.  Every day I experience a wide range of emotions, which range from gratefulness that my family is healthy and safe to hopelessness, because we have no clear idea when this will all end.  This was not a scheduled event with a beginning and end date.  This is an event that is holding us all in a TBD (to be determined) status.

We have all been mandated to attend an event none of us would have elected to attend, we were not given a choice.  Basically, we have been put into a position where we have no control, that is frustrating to adults and children.  So how do we ease some of the hopelessness and feelings of loss of control?

We give ourselves and our children choices.  When my oldest was in preschool she consistently attempted to choose a frilly dress to wear to preschool every day.  We lived in Hawaii and the dirt there is similar to red clay and stains everything it comes into contact with, so I did not want her wearing her frilly dresses to school to play in the dirt.  Every morning became a battle of what she was going to wear.  Then one day I divided her closet in two, installing a bar that she could easily reach.  On the top bar I hung all of her frilly dresses and on the bottom bar I hung all of the dresses and outfits that were acceptable to wear to school.  I then explained to her that she could choose anything she wanted from the bottom bar to wear to school.  This allowed her some control and the ability to make a choice, with boundaries I created.  It ended the morning arguments over what she was going to wear to school (until she went to high school…).

Take a look at the things you can give your child a choice over.  There are some things they cannot have a say in, such as resuming play dates, but what about letting them choose what they get to wear that day (it doesn’t matter what they pick, no one is going to see them), letting them choose what they have for lunch or what color pencil they get to use that day.  Find ways for them to exercise choices.  You could provide them with the things that they must do each day and let them order their day, they will be accomplishing all that they need to, but they get to choose when and in what order.

Allowing them some control over their lives at this time will help decrease the feeling of loss of control and hopelessness.  Shake things up for yourselves too, where can you choose to rearrange your daily schedule to allow you time to do something you enjoy?  Where can you provide yourself an opportunity to make a choice?

Take some control where you can, and it will help ease the feelings of loss of control and helpfulness.

Meltdowns and all the Feels!

I feel like I need to start this entry with a disclaimer to reassure parents of young children, that when my children were younger, I did not have the all the answers by any means.  As a matter of fact, I stumbled through parenting learning as I was going.  It wasn’t until my children were into their teen years and I completed my Master’s degree that I had even begun to understand what I know now.  Since then, I have learned so much more about brain development, trauma and social/emotional development, enough that I can speak to the mommas of littles with compassion, the knowledge of not only an educator and practitioner, but as someone who has been where you are now.

To add a second disclaimer, the majority of the emotions, outbursts and tantrums your children are displaying are normal in the best circumstances and in situations like COVID, they should be expected.

Over the last couple of days, I have spoken to two phenomenal moms, who feel completely overwhelmed and have feelings of failure in regard to their parenting.  In regard to their feelings of failure, they could not be further from the truth and I am going to tell you why.

When young children become overwhelmed and are dealing with emotions that they do not understand they naturally run to their safe place and dump all of the emotions and feelings on the person or persons they feel safest with, most often their parents.  In layman terms your children who are losing their little minds all day, every day, while you are quarantined within the four walls of your home are doing it because you have created a place where they feel safe.  They feel secure in your presence and that security sends a message to their minds that it is okay to go completely off the rails and unload those emotions.

I know most of you are thinking that when your child does indeed go off the rails, it is because you are not doing something right, or that you are not giving them what they need.  However, it is the complete opposite…you represent security and safety in their lives, and they feel safe enough to feel in your presence.

As a parent on the battlefield during these meltdowns, you do not necessarily feel honored that your child is choosing to unload on you, the parent who is the consistent loving presence in their lives, the one who care for them and puts their well-being above all else.  However, you should know this, your child trusts you with their feelings because of how secure you make them feel.

When the meltdowns occur, wrap your arms around them and let them cry it out, when the frustration hits provide them with activities, like throwing cloth balls into a basket to let it out, let them work it out. Then ask them to help you “unpack” what just happened.  Unpacking looks like this: 

 Ask the child, “Can we “unpack” what just happened, that means talk about what made you so mad or upset?” The first time you are introducing unpacking emotions you may have to explain it and/or show them how to “unpack: their feelings by sharing something they can relate to.  During COVID you could demonstrate how to “unpack” your own feelings around not being able to go to work and see your friends and talk about how that makes you feel.  Once you have used the “unpacking” method a few times you may not have to provide an example.   Let them talk to you and “unpack” what has made them feel the way they are feeling, talk about how it is okay to feel that way and talk about ways they can cope with those feelings in a healthy and productive way of they happen again. 

An added benefit of practicing ‘unpacking’ when they are younger and allowing them the opportunity to feel their feels in the safe and secure place you have created, is that it will come naturally to them as they grow older and their emotions and frustrations become larger and more difficult to navigate, to return to that safe place you have created and “unpack” their emotions with you.

So, as overwhelming as all of the emotions and feelings coming from your child are, keep in mind that they are sharing them with you because of something you have done right, by creating a safe and secure place where they can let those feelings out, not by something you have done wrong.  

I Run A Tight Shipwreck!

I was just watching a video a teacher friend of ours posted on Facebook.  He actually teaches at the high school that he and my husband graduated from.  The video included teachers and faculty members holding up signs that created a message to the students as each frame progressed.  The message being sent was one of encouragement and hope, acknowledging the challenges that these students have encountered and their ability to continue adapt to distance learning. 

It struck something deep within me.  As trying as these times are for parents, some of which are trying to work from home and home school their children, others who have to work the front lines and wish they could be home with their children and those who have been laid off or furloughed and are trying to home school their children, while working about the financial stability of their families, think about it from a child’s point of view.

Just as one day you were leaving your house and going to work, seeing your friends and enjoying the social aspects of work and the next day all of that ended, the same thing has occurred for your children.  However, you are a grown-up who for the most part understands working from home and how to do your job, because many of us work on our computer and can still attend remote meetings.  We are adults, we know what is expected of us.

Our children on the other hand have been thrust into this learning environment, where teachers by no fault of their own, have been building the ship of online learning, as it has already started sailing. The challenges of meeting the expectations that are continually changing, much like the course of this pandemic, while trying to make sense of having everything that they know in their lives changing, is overwhelming for adults, imagine the how our children feel.

BUT, they are doing it!  They are figuring out how to make this work.  It may not look how we want it to, but they are making it work.  I was on the phone with a co-worker and she had asked her daughters to go do some reading.  One did, and the other chose to draw a picture instead.  In the picture the family was sad, the dog was sad, and the fish was sad.  She may not have completed the reading assignment, but she did what she needed to do to make it through the day.  Much like I eat that bowl of ice cream at the end of each day, or Facetime my sisters, I do what I need to do to get through the day, and that is okay.

April is the Month of the Military Child and April, 11-17, 2020 is the Week of the Young Child.  During this time CELEBRATE our children and their amazing ability to adapt and continue to be sailors on this pirate ship that is being built as we are sailing!  Loosen your grip a little bit on the grasp you have on what you think this whole working from home and homeschooling your children in supposed to look like.  Think about the amazing ways our children have adapted to this new normal and focus less on the craziness of their behavior as they work to adapt.  

Just tell people…I run a tight shipwreck!

Celebrating Hope

Many families are mourning the loss of the ability to celebrate their spring religious observations or participate in the community events that are traditionally held in the spring.  As much as we as a culture have come to treasure these observations and celebrations in the traditional manner, we have been provided an opportunity to create new memories and traditions within our immediate family.  Traditions and observations that your children will carry in their hearts forever, because they included you!

When I sit around with my brothers and sisters and reminisce about the things our family did while we were growing up, we focus more on the people who were present than where and when these events occurred.  We talk about the traditions and observations we did around our Easter dinner table; we talk about the things my parents would say, the stories they would tell, the legacy they passed on to us.  That is what we remember now that we are adults and look back fondly on our childhood, these are the things that matter to us.

As a military family who has lived around the world, we often found ourselves in situations that were out of the norm for our family, where life wasn’t like it was back home.  We sought to make adjustments to our norm in order to create memories for our children.  When my youngest son was in high school, we lived in Guam.  Guam is where America starts its day, so it is hours ahead of the rest of the country, fourteen hours ahead of the east coast to be exact.  The only thing in our lives that was affected by the time difference while we lived there was NFL Football.  There is no Sunday football in Guam, if you wanted to watch football live you had to be up in the middle of the night between Sunday and Monday and hope that one of the networks was carrying the game.  This also meant that the Super Bowl was on very early on Monday.  The high school football team did not go to school that day and most commands had the day off, because they were home watching the game. It also meant that you did not have the average football food during the Super Bowl, you had breakfast.  This became a family tradition while we were in Guam, all of my husband and son’s friends would come to our house for a breakfast extravaganza. Now that we live in Connecticut and my son is stationed in Washington, he still associates the Super Bowl with breakfast food and any time he is home for the Super Bowl this mama is making breakfast for him.  When he and his friends look back at that time, they talk about the people that were there and how much fun it was, they never talk about how it was different than what they were used to.  They remember the memories that were created and that is what they hold dear.

So, even though your observations and celebrations will look different this year and may not be what you are used to, what your children will remember are the memories that they created with you.  Look for ways to observe and celebrate together as a family, ways that will honor your beliefs and traditions during these difficult times.  Your children will remember how you went out of your way to keep things as normal as possible for them.  Today, they may be upset about not being able to go to the annual egg hunt, but when they are adults and become parents themselves, they will remember how you went above and beyond to make sure that your family celebrated the things that were important to them.

Finally, CELEBRATE!  I know this is a difficult time, but if you normally celebrate and observe traditions in this season, make an effort to celebrate hope, however, that looks for your family.

COVID and LIFE EVENTS

So here we are two weeks into COVID19 and the stay at home policy that has been declared in many states. I don’t know about you, but if I could, I would go back and tell my Pre-COVID self that teleworking is actually more work that actually going to the office is.  I would also make sure my Pre-COVID self knew that no, if I had unlimited time, I would not clean out all my closets and get to all of those projects I have put off.  Finally, I would tell myself that the world shutting down would impact us all in ways that we could not imagine.

Never mind the grocery stores and lack of toilet paper, dismiss the inconvenience of not being able to leave your house.  Let’s talk about the impact of COVID-19 on life events.  Prior to this time of social distancing and working from home, I had a co-worker who had been planning her daughter’s wedding for over a year.  Every time to completed one of the milestones and planning she would share it with us, a light of excitement in her eyes.  However, as the time for the wedding drew nearer, the family made the decision to post-pone the wedding, until the health scare was over.  This Bride and her family made the best decision at the time; however, it was not an easy decision to make.  The Bride and Groom will have their ceremony and time of celebration with their family, but there is some disappointment in the delay.

Next, I heard about the many proms and graduations that were cancelled due to COVD-19.  I don’t know about anyone else, but the day that all of my children graduated from high school was a momentous occasion in out household.  We do High School graduations up big in our house.  Look back to your senior year, remember how you couldn’t wait to walk across that stage and grasp your diploma.  Remember all of the events and celebrations leading up to graduation?  The graduating class of 2020 will not have that.

Think of the new mothers in labor, some of which are not allowed to have anyone in the labor room with them.  No one is there to hold their hand, get them ice chips and encourage them to keep going.  No one is there to delight in the experience of the birth of their child with them.

Finally, think about the families who have had loved one’s pass, unrelated to COVID. I have a dear friend who is stationed in Guam.  She received news last week that her sister in law was in hospice, she made sure that the Red Cross message was sent to her husband’s command, the Emery S Land.  The boat pulled into Guam this past week and the orders given were that no personnel leave the ship.  The Chief was not allowed to leave to say goodbye to his sister, now he is not allowed to leave the ship to celebrate her life, not allowed to be with his family and support system at this time.  

My Father in Law passed away Monday morning and the planning for his service has been fairly easy because only five people can be in the funeral home at one time and only four people can attend the service at the cemetery.  We are unable invite his friends and family, only the immediate family will be allowed to attend. There will be no gathering after the ceremony to celebrate his life, the state of Rhode Island will not allow gatherings of more than five people.

When we all began this time of social distancing and quarantine, I don’t think any of us thought about life happening.  Sure, we thought about having to stay at home and not be in public places, but I don’t think many of us thought about the impact that this crisis would have on life events.

So, maybe, during this time we can practice kindness.  The person who is in front of you in the pick-up line at the takeout place or the drive thru teller at the bank may not be experiencing this crisis like you are. They may have a life event that they are struggling with because of COVID19.  BE KIND. 

Rules of Engagement

Many of us are entering week two of social distancing, working from home and homeschooling our children and may need a different kind of post than the last two.  You may need a post that gets you through being in your home with ALL of your immediate family members with your sanity intact, so that you can have those conversations with your children that I have been talking about.

Being quarantined with your family, unable to carry out your normal activities and make the human connections that keep us mentally healthy can be challenging. It is normal for moods and frustrations arise.  Below are some tips that can help you alleviate some of those challenges.

1. Set up definite work areas for each family member, a defined space where they will keep their supplies and can serve as their work space.  When we start to spread our work all over the house, it can get messy both physically and mentally.  You need to separate your work and home space. 

2. Set up definite work schedules and walk away at the end of your work day.  It is my experience that when I work from home my work day extends from the time I open my eyes in the morning, until I close my eyes at night.  It is unrealistic for anyone to work from home from all of your waking hours and still co-habituate with your family, who is also working from home.  

3. When you do need to have conversations about your frustrations while you are all stuck in the house together, remember to start the conversations with, “I” rather than “you.” The statement, “I need you to pick your toys up” disarms the frustration and possible attitude that saying, “You need to pick your toys” would bring. 

4. Go outside and get some fresh air, the movement and fresh air will rejuvenate you and help keep you healthy. 

5. Take a lunch break.  Make sure you take a break and eat a normal meal.  If you were at work you would take a break and eat, so do it at home. 

6. Get up every morning, shower and get ready for work.  You don’t have to wear your work clothes, but prepare for the day.  You will feel much better. 

Finally, BE KIND to yourself.  

Reality Versus Schema

Yesterday I talked about how children take the information that they understand about a situation and create a schema or a reality that makes sense to them.  They do this for everything, not just the hard stuff or the overwhelming stuff.  Let me give you an example of how it works from my life.  I am going to share a story about my youngest son and how he took several truths in his life and put them together to create something he could understand.

Here are the facts that he used:

1. 1. Zachary was born on December 7^th.  This day does not have significance for as many people as it used to, but as the son of an active duty Submarine Master Chief and having been born in Hawaii it has meaning to Zachary.  December 7, 1941 was the day Pearl Harbor was bombed and the day that the United States entered WW2.
2. 2. One of my closest friends was a foster parent for years and she adopted every child she fostered.  Zachary spent a great deal of time with this loving family and only understood the loving family side of foster care, not what caused the child to be in foster in the first place.

When Zachary was six or seven we went to go see Chronicles of Narnia in the theater.  As the movie began with families putting their children on the trains, Zachary leaned over and asked me what was happening. I explained that during WW2 many families in Europe who lived in the city sent their children to live with other family members who lived in the country to keep them safe.  The enemy was bombing the city, but not the country, so children would be safer there. He then said, “So it was like the foster care Aunty Kelle does?”  I replied, “A little bit, yes.”

Fast forward a few months and as we drove past Pearl Harbor, Zachary asked me,”Mom, when am I going back to my real family?”  I was a little confused because I was the one who delivered all ten pounds of him, three weeks past his due date so I asked him what he meant.  This was his reply, “Mom. I was born on Pearl Harbor Day, at the beginning of the war and my family sent me to you to keep me safe, just like foster care.”  

This example of how a young child took the information he had, all truthful, and created his own understanding is one that I use in every class I teach to explain how children create schemas.  Children take the information that they know and as they understand it and they create something they can relate to. 

So, now imagine the schemas children have created about what is happening in the world right now.  You may not have had a conversation with them about it, but their minds have been gathering information about it from the news, the change in their daily routine, the fact that they don’t go to school anymore and are learning from home, the vibes they are getting from the adults in their lives and the feelings from social isolation.  If you assume that that they don’t know what it going on, you are correct.  However, they are going to take what they know and create something they can relate to and it will become their truth about the situation. 

How do we impact that schema?  First look at the messages that they are hearing via TV and radio and consider not watching when they are around.  Second, make sure that you have dealt with your own emotions around what is happening so they will feel your calmness.  Thirdly, take some time to sit down and ask them how they are feeling and talk through those emotions.  If they share fear and anxiety about becoming sick or someone they love becoming sick, tell them that everyone is doing their part to make sure that doesn’t happen by staying home and washing their hands.  If someone does get sick, doctors and nurses are working hard to take care of everyone so that they can get better.  Talk to them and see what information they have used to create their schema’s and where there is misinformation provide them with truth and talk it through.  

During this time where we are confined within small spaces with each other, with no end date for the social distancing, be kind to yourselves.  As crazy as this sounds, we are fortunate to have this happen at a time in history when there is an awareness of the importance of social/emotional development in young children and the knowledge of how situations like these impact the mental health and wellbeing of individuals and families.  We can talk about these things and work them out together, unlike any other time in history.